so....after much crap with my credit (not my fault though, stupid hackers at ucsd), i got a cell phone again! finally. so if you want the number, lemme know!

Date:	2004-12-01 19:27
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Carol of the Bells

"The purpose of art is to create an emotional response in the person that is exposed to that art. And there are three categories of art; bad art, good art and great art. Bad art will elicit no emotional response in the person that is exposed to it, i.e.; a song you hear in an elevator and it does nothing to you, a picture on a wall that gives you the same emotional response as if the wall had been blank, a movie that chews up time. Good art will make you feel an emotion that you have felt before; you see a picture of a forest and you remember the last time you went fishing with your dad, you hear a song about love and you remember the last time you were in love. Great art will make you feel an emotion you have never felt before; seeing the pieta, the world famous sculpture by Michelangelo, can cause someone to feel the pain of losing a child even if they've never had one. And when you're trying for these emotions the easiest one to trigger is anger.

Anyone can do it. Go into the street, throw a rock at someone, you will make them angry. The emotions of love, empathy and laughter are much harder to trigger, but since they operate on a deeper level, they bring a much greater reward."

--Paul O'Neill, the founder of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Date:	2004-11-07 02:07
Subject:	hmm
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	W.A. Mozart - Piano Concerto in C Major, I. Allegro maestoso

so like...lately there's been one thing i've been thinking about that i can't figure out. i'm sure you've heard repeated over and over and over all the issues and crap about the gay marriage and abortion issues and stuff as we approached the election that just passed...and there's one thing about the abortion issue i'd like to know. like...abortion is legal and all the pro-choice people say it's "a woman's right to her body" and how the fetus isn't considered a life until it's born or whatever (don't quote me on this, i don't honestly understand what they use to justify abortion)...but what i really don't understand about the whole deal is this:

if you kill a pregnant woman, you get charged with a double homicide, because you killed her AND the unborn baby. which means the fetus inside of her is considered to be a life which you destroyed (by the law that convicts you, anyway). but any woman who is pregnant and doesn't want to have her baby can legally get an abortion and kill the fetus inside of her body, but she's not charged with a homicide because since it's HER baby, it's not considered a life. how is this any different than the guy who shoots the pregnant woman? by the same logic, a woman who has an abortion should be charged with murder and sent to prsion, the same way a mother who snaps and kills her infant because it cries too much gets sent to prison. how does this make sense?

i think it's just a little inconsistent...somebody wanna explain it to me?

Date:	2004-10-26 02:39
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	nothing but the rain...so peaceful!

haha i haven't had a good conversation (AIM or otherwise) with my puppy paul in forever...so tonight was fun. and funny...here's a few things that i thought were funny. ignore this if you want, it's probably dumb to anybody who doesn't know him/me/what we're talking about...

SailorSapphire02: tell her to shove it up her...
SailorSapphire02: I mean, ahem
SailorSapphire02: The Lord doth teacheth us to be considerate

SailorSapphire02: all that talk about showering
SailorSapphire02: .....makes me want Top Ramen
SailorSapphire02: ....
SailorSapphire02: LMAO
drumflutefreak0: LOL
drumflutefreak0: how does that work?
drumflutefreak0: showering = top ramen?
SailorSapphire02: yes
SailorSapphire02: Einstein said so!!!!!
drumflutefreak0: lol
drumflutefreak0: that's exactly what einstein said
SailorSapphire02: E = mc Top Ramen / Katie's shower = Logic

drumflutefreak0: disneyland will always be there
drumflutefreak0: unless it burns down
drumflutefreak0: lol
SailorSapphire02: hahah
drumflutefreak0: hahahaha
SailorSapphire02: Next Terrorist attack
SailorSapphire02: It's a world of laughter a world of BOOM!!!!
drumflutefreak0: AHHHH


SailorSapphire02: I want top Ramen
drumflutefreak0: lol
SailorSapphire02: .....damn it
drumflutefreak0: you said this already
drumflutefreak0: lol
SailorSapphire02: I nkow.. but.... I want it now
SailorSapphire02: I want a BEAN FEAST!
SailorSapphire02: It's my bar of chocolate! give it to me nooooow
SailorSapphire02: I want today!
SailorSapphire02: I want tomorrow
SailorSapphire02: Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises in all shapes and sizes and NOOOOW don't care how, I want it now
SailorSapphire02: DOn't care how, I want it NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
SailorSapphire02: ........she was a bad egg
drumflutefreak0: i haven't seen that movie in like forever and ever and ever and ever and ever
drumflutefreak0: and ever.
drumflutefreak0: holy crap, i'm so old
drumflutefreak0: i was in elementary school like 10 years ago!!!!
SailorSapphire02: OMG
SailorSapphire02: 10 years ago I was 10
SailorSapphire02: .... nah
SailorSapphire02: we're fine
drumflutefreak0: i'm almost 2 decades old
SailorSapphire02: when we hit 30 and are still dateless, then we can jump off the Grand Canyon


SailorSapphire02: like... if you and my mother were to have a child...
SailorSapphire02: it would be (insert name here)
drumflutefreak0: ...
SailorSapphire02: ROTFFLMFAO

SailorSapphire02: she's dead
SailorSapphire02: but um... it was an accident
SailorSapphire02: she tripped out of my arms and fell out the second story window with a heave and a ho and a mighty throw

SailorSapphire02: this ramen's gonna go straight to my puerto rican ass

ok...that's about all that i feel like posting of our conversation....haha. fun stuff. maybe this is lame to everybody else but it was hilarious to me (but that might be because it's 2:30 in the morning.) and i'm posting this more for me than for anybody else, so blahhh to you! hehe. so yeah. i posted this on like all 3 of my journals, cuz i dunno which ones you're gonna check and read it hehe. but yeah. i love you puppy paul. and i miss you!!!!! you need your car back so you can come visit me and see my new house :D

Date:	2004-10-04 17:47
Subject:	electile dysfunction
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	"Get Down" - Audio Adrenaline

look, i'm updating!!

so yeah...this whole election is stupid. i dont like kerry much...but i'll be damned if i vote for bush. i swear, that dumbass needs to get out of office...EERRGGG.

so yeah. don't vote for bush.

and i think the whole "WKetchup" thing is crap. lol i know it's supposed to be a joke and all but it's just STUPID! i mean come on...republican ketchup?! can't they come up with something more creative? and it's not like the revenue from Heinz has ANYTHING to do with kerry's campaign...stupid republicans.

anyway. i'm so glad to be back in davis. finished unpacking (mostly), getting all settled in the house, and my roommates are totally cool. it's so much cooler than in the dorm, cuz it's not like moving into a shoebox-sized room with a roommate i didn't know...this time it's a HOUSE! with a kitchen and living room and 2 bathrooms, full of cool friends that i knew previously, a little park down the street and cute houses all around...it just feels more like a home. it's awesome. and classes started up on thursday...i like my schedule this quarter. 3 ansci classes, woohoo (well technically 2, one is a lab that goes along with the lecture but is counted seperately). then music 10, which is "intro to music literature" which is like, a little bit of theory/notation which i've known since like 5th grade, and a lot of listening to a whole bunch of like symphony music and stuff, from baroque to classical to contemporary. so that's cool. and then...math. that's the only thing that sucks. but i gotta take it, and after that i gotta take more math, and then some MORE! and more chem too... blahhhh i hate math!!

oh well. guess what?!?! today i got a job!!! YEAH!!!! whooo i'm so glad...i've been searching since freakin JUNE, and i finally found one. so i'll be working in the Castilian DC (the cafeteria for one of the dorms on campus.) i get free meals, and earn $7.25 an hour, which is minimum wage and all, but it's a good 20 hours a week plus like special events once in a while, free meals, it's closer than even campus is from my house, free meals...it's exciting. HOORAY! it was so weird, she was all interviewing me then suddenly was like, ok this is when i need you, this is what the positions are, take this form to human resources, goodbye...lol not really like that but it was all of a sudden like, interviewing for a very short time then she just handed me the job! i was like...whoa. so yeah...it's all very cool. and i get free meals :) haha which is good for a broke college kid! (and i never really knew what it meant to be a broke college kid until now, when i'm paying 300 bucks a month for rent, plus everything else...no dorms and meal plan anymore...

although you know what does suck about being back in davis, my internet is like BUTT slow, and we only get like 30 channels!! i can't watch inuyasha anymore, or any of my anime...and we don't even get MTV or VH1 or fuse!!! so now i can't watch music videos. and our internet is cable and all but it's still slow somehow (maybe because there's 5 computers hooked up to one router) and so pages take FOREVER to load, and i can't even watch music videos on launch anymore without waiting an hour for each freakin video...blah. oh well, i guess i'll live.

other than that, things are good. and i'm happy.

Date:	2004-09-16 01:21
Subject:	i solemnly swear that i am up to no good
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	blind game again from gravitation

so i realize i've been kinda slacking on the updates lately, for all of my (not-so-)wonderful weblogs. i'm running out of things to say. but i will (most likely) start posting again by the time i go back to davis and get a scene change...i mean, i love my friends...well the few that actually care about me enough to make attempts to hang out, that is...and even though they drive me crazy i love my family, but i'm so BORED!! i don't have a car or a driver's license (or the money or time to get either) so i can't go anywhere unless i have a ride from somebody else...and even when i do go somewhere, i have no money so it's usually just to church with the twins or something. so i just sit here at home and read or do crap yardwork or get yelled at by my mom. it sucks.

although i do love reading...i forgot how much i used to love getting into a really good book and not being able to put it down. i've started the left behind series, and i recommend it to EVERYBODY, regardless of whether you're a christian or not, cuz its so good. and i've rediscovered harry potter! whoooo!!! i've reread the first 3 books, and after i finish the 4th left behind book i will read the last two hp books again before i leave. and i've been rewatching the movies...just got back from seeing the prizoner of azkaban tonight at the new nifty dollar theater. i forgot how much that rocked. anyway...i guess i'm done with this for now.

except...i'm leaving in 9 days, and i would still like to see a couple of people (you know who you are) and you know i don't have a car so get your butt over here, because if i leave this town before hanging out i will NOT be happy. ok...done.


mischief managed

Date:	2004-09-01 21:30
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	gravitation music

sigh. i'm getting so frustrated...but i don't know why, i can't figure out why everything angers me. today i was like, insanely irritable, and i got SO mad at my mom and sister over nothing. but they know just how to push my buttons...my mom, i swear, NAGS AND NAGS about ABSOLUTELY FREAKING NOTHING. i think it's my dad's fault, he gave me this horrible temper. and he did kinda turn my life upside down. hmm, maybe that's why i feel worse than normal. cuz lately everything reminds me of him, more than it ever did.

and i'm so ready to go back to davis...move into the new house...
but i'm not ready to start school. to kill myself studying so i don't fail...while at the same time, manage a job to maybe be able to afford rent...God knows how i'm gonna pay for tuition, i'm just hoping he helps me figure it out somehow...and this will be my 3rd time taking calc. at davis. yep, failed it twice.

UGH I HATE MATH

Date:	2004-08-23 02:00
Subject:	are you in a relationship? read this!! even if you aren't...read it anyway!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	japanese music that's making me sleepy

i'm subscribed to this chick's xanga site but i don't know her at all, she lives in like north carolina but i love her entries...anyway this is part of her most recent one and i think her best entry so far...the beginning wasn't really anything interesting so i just put the good part...so yeah, read it!


I have always loved the line in "Distant Sun": "Old enough to know who you are/Wise enough to carry the scars, without any pain/There's no one to blame". I think people too often do two things: they either wear their pain like a badge, or they cover it up and pretend not to feel it at all. These are both unhealthy options. You've got to deal with your hurt, but not parade it around like something you've earned. Everyone gets hurt, everyone gets wronged - it doesn't make you special. But, if you never deal with hurt, you never learn from it and then your pain is all for naught. I think that's what that line always meant to me: carry the scar, but don't feel the pain anymore.

Speaking of pain, I'm noticing a disturbing trend. I honestly believe some people think that in order to be in a "real" relationship, you have to be miserable. You've heard this argument: If you've never had a fight with your Significant Other (SO), you're not in a real relationship. That's truly sterling bullshit, people. I'm allowed to say this because at one point I believed it too.

Oh sure, I was the cheerleader for the anti-fairytale school of dating. "Real people", I would say, "aren't perfect. So of course relationships are going to be flawed." Give that girl a fucking Nobel, somebody. "So," I would continue, "you never find a relationship that's %100 great. You just go for the best compromise you can find."

Now, here's where the math comes in, you perky-breasted twit.

If we all agree we can't be 100% happy with our relationships, what percentage should we go with? 90%? 95%? 85%? Where does it end? And how can you tell the difference between, say 95% and 92%? Obviously 95% is better, but that's ony 3% difference? How would you measure that small distinction? What, does he put the toilet seat down more often?

If we settle for less that 100%, how low do we set the bar? How much shit will we put up with if we really believe we will always have to put up with it? If we can't have a shit-free relationship, how much shit should we let in? Just a little? What if our standards are too high? I mean, after all, no one's completely happy...

And then there are those deadly words: "compromise" and "work". Deadly, deadly, deadly. "Relationships take work" people say. Sure they do, if talking to your S.O. and being honest with each other is a chore for you, yes it is work. If being faithful to your S.O. and spending time with that person is a chore also, then yes, it takes work. But, if you've got those two things down, I'd say you've cut your workload in half, easy. And "compromise". Goddamn, that word gives me chills. You know why? Because I used to explain away all sorts of atrocious behavior from my S.O.s (or should I say, S.O.B.s?). Oh, he won't let me see my friends - it's a compromise. Oh, he doesn't like my folks, so we never spend time with them - it's a compromise. Oh, I don't get to do a lot of the things I really like doing because we're pretty much incompatiable and I'm miserable most of the time - it's a compromise. Does that mean I never compromise now? No, it doesn't. But it does mean that BOTH PEOPLE give something up or BOTH PEOPLE work on a suitable solution TOGETHER. It's not "compromise" if one person in the relationship consistently gets the shaft- that's just you getting shit on.

Real people can really love each other and not be dysfunctional about it. Real people can be 100% happy with the person they are with - I swear to you. Does that mean you never have anymore problems or fights or worries for the rest of your life? No, of course not. But it does mean that you have someone in your life who you love enough to work on it with, or to tell your fears to, or to help you fix what's broken.

Quit settling, dammit! Respect yourself enough to go for what you really want and not for what only kind-of works right now. You deserve to be happy. You all do.


yep. i like that a lot. and if you want to go to her site and read more of her stuff... here's the link to the specific post above (http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=the_sibyl&tab=weblogs&uid=124418186), and her normal xanga site is (http://www.xanga.com/the_sibyl)

this is something that i wrote and posted a long time ago, and for some reason feel like posting again. so...read it. and tell me what you think about it. heh this is about as "intellectual" as i get (if you can call it that) when it comes to deep thinking...lol its a rare thing.


i hate when people say "time heals everything." because it doesn't. time doesn't do anything.

"time" is just a measurement created by man when they needed some way to explain the changes of the earth over extended (or even short) periods...the rising and falling of the sun (days), the passing of several of these days (weeks, months), the revolution of earth around the sun (years), summer, winter, autumn, spring...the changes and aging of people, living things, even nonliving things.
but God created all these things, and causes them to change over "time". man just came up with the concept of how God's creations change.

so to say time heals anything is just...not true. if you leave something alone over "time", with no other force but time acting on it, nothing happens. nothing heals.

but God heals things. physical injuries, bad health, he purifies and sews up your body himself. spiritual, mental, emotional wounds...he takes you into his hands and shapes you...removes your pain and sets you straight.

but...some things he doesn't heal. whether to shape or add to your "character," or whether to provide you with a constant reminder of a mistake or at least (hopefully) help you avoid getting hurt in that manner again...
or maybe for other reasons that we will never be able to know until we pass from this world...
whatever the reasons, it's his decision. and time has nothing to do with it.

just something to think about. comment on this...please...i want to know what you have to say about it. (just try not to bash my religious beliefs...if you disagree that's fine, i'd love to hear about it, but don't insult me.)

happy birthday, dad.

would've been 50 today.

i hope God's throwing you the HUGEST, COOLEST birthday party ever.

Date:	2004-08-09 01:54
Subject:	affirmation
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	savage garden

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real life 'till you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real life 'till you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real life 'till you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real life 'till you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Until you say goodbye...oh no, oh no no no...

19 in 2 days.

throw me a party!

Date:	2004-08-01 04:31
Subject:	i don't know why i copy and paste this 3 times, i just do.
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Motion City Soundtrack - "The Future Freaks Me Out"

GEEZ, i'm so tired of the insomnia. sick of it! grrrrrrrr! i dont know why i can't ever sleep. i've tried everything i can possibly think of to get rid of it. sleeping pills (which i used to hate because they made me feel like crap...now they just flat out don't work at all), warm milk (which makes me sick, blehhh), reading to make me sleepy, listening to slow music or whatever..."pretending" to be asleep to make myself fall asleep...even a couple others, and NOTHING WORKS!

its like...when my mind is weary, my body is not ready to sleep. and when my body is tired, my mind is wide awake and unwilling to rest. and even when my mind and my body are exhausted...someway, somehow...i'm still awake.

i wish i knew how to just...turn my brain off, and stop thinking. i bet that would really have a big impact on my sleeping problem. because when i can't sleep, i think. and probably the reason i can't sleep is because i think about everything. or anything...it doesn't matter. i just can't unfocus on things.

i have too many things on my mind...i think about...him and how nothing will ever work out, or even if i'm just thinking about how he it makes me happy seeing him and talking to him, it still keeps me awake. or i think about my dad. or i think about school and how bad i did the last 2 quarters and how even though i was so lucky and have another quarter left, i can't find a job to be able to pay for ANY of it, or to pay for rent or food or getting my phone back or anything next year...i think about how my family here drives me crazy and how my mom still won't change, and i'm so worried about my mom and her health and all her crap...and i think about everything that's wrong with me, how i can't talk to people, can't tell anybody anything, not even "it's good to see you" or "nice talking to you" or "i missed you" or "i love you"...whenever i'm around anybody i feel so uncomfortable, even my close friends. especially lately...i enjoy talking to people, but at the same time i feel like an idiot, i dont know what to say...i'm worse right now than i've ever been. and i still can't make new friends. and don't even get me started on how bad i am at job interviews...ehhhhhh i suck at talking to people. i'm never gonna find a job. and then i think about some other stuff that i won't put on here, i've already rambled a lot and its boring as hell.

man, what i wouldn't do just to be able to lay down at night, at a reasonable time, close my eyes, and then not open them until morning. as in...after the sun's come up. to not be up all night, and then sleep all day...or to not be so tired because i was up so late (like last night) and then woke up early (like this morning), and then still stay up so late the next night. (like tonight.)

Date:	2004-07-28 13:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

praise God.

Date:	2004-07-22 15:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	KLLY radio

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRYSTAL AND CARAMEL!!!!!!!

whoohoo! can't wait for the party :D

man i want to eat that cake right now...

Date:	2004-07-21 16:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hot
Music:	my mom watching judge judy

so i've been worried about my school situation for the past few weeks cuz i didn't do so well last quarter...and i've been "up for review" on whether they're going to dismiss me or not. well i got my letter from uc davis today...


































and its all good.

:D

yeah...what a relief. i'm still on AD, but i have one more quarter to bring up my grade point deficit and all that stuff.

woohoo!

back from camping.

the trip went well. although i'm glad it ended, i couldn't take any more.

i have tons of pictures and a couple goofy videos, haha toya is a dork...i might post a couple pictures soon. we went to like 3 different beaches, for a total of 4 times at the beach...we went hiking through the forest/mountains, we went walking down fisherman's wharf and cannery row in monterey...window shopping in carmel...all this and more!

and i got so sunburned. i used sunscreen, SPF 45! first thing to burn was my face...then my arms. then i meant to put more on, but i kinda fell asleep on the warm sand and the back of my legs got burned...but its not like it mattered, even with more sunscreen i still would've gotten burnt. oh well, that'll get better soon.

and the entire time i was gone, not one message from any of of the 17 places. i don't think any of them even called. why is it so hard to find a job in bakersfield? well...i did miss the summer hiring rush, stupid UC's get out so late...and i guess its hard to find a job for like 2 months, and then go back to school...heh but oh well, i'll just have to keep looking and praying.

and now i'm tired, a week of sleeping on an air mattress barely 6 inches off the ground doesn't make for great sleep...so while the trip was good, i missed my bed. so i'm going get in it. zzzzzzzzzzzzz...



oh yeah...one thing did kinda upset me. we were planning on spreading my dad's ashes up there since its not only our favorite place to go camping but it was my dads also...but umm...my mom kinda forgot about it. so we'll have to wait until next year.

i guess.

so my admission to uc davis (according to the guy on the phone) is currently up for review. so i'm praying desperately that they don't decide to kick me out...and even if they don't, my mom is taking this a lot harder than she should be. so please pray for me. this kinda sucks.

its a sun! whoohoo. how do you like it? i love it...it took me FOREVER to find that pic though. i got tired of the sonic thingy, and since i can't ever get ahold of liz long enough to ask how she did it...i just searched through the FAQ and then tinkered with it until i got something to change. now i'm trying to figure out how to change the font type, and the colors, and how to change from saying "comment on this" to something else...if anybody knows any of these html codes, i'd LOVE it if you'd help me out :D

Date:	2004-07-02 18:09
Subject:	2 days until the smokiest holiday of the year
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	my mom watching the food network...ehh its making me hungry

what's everybody doing for the 4th? anybody have any cool independence day plans (party, get-together, barbeque, etc) that includes friends (i.e. me)? i currently have NO plans because my mom's a lame-o, and i'd like my 4th of july to not suck this year...so somebody please let me know? :-D